Insults and Name Calling

I spent my morning walk with Rosie trying to think up a few insults that would easily roll off my tongue.  Why?  Because of what I wrote yesterday.  It seems that people of today just don't want to use their brains anymore.  If you care to notice, while watching television, or today's movies, writers and actors seem to be stuck in a rut when it comes to insults.  As I remarked yesterday, the three people, whose identities I now know, hurled names and insults back and forth for three to five minutes.  Today's cursing seems to be repetitive use of the F-word (in various forms), and calling other people s-o-bs, illegitimate, or a m-f-er.  Occasionally, but very rarely, a female will be called a four-letter word for a female orifice.  The words stupid, idiot, fat, and stubborn are sometimes thrown into the mix.  Very rarely will you hear any other words used these days, unless you are watching a "period piece," set in times past or a fantasy world.
    I thought I came up with a few really disgusting insults this morning, and was pretty happy with myself.  Then I realized that I haven't gotten into a name-calling fight in more than 50 years... so what good would my insults do me?  I saw a friend much later this afternoon, and I gave him my five insults.  He laughed and said they were really gross, but very few people today would (a) understand them or (b) be insulted, because they didn't understand them.  He then said that his favorite come-back, if someone started to try to pick a word fight with him, was this:  "You really must be miserable.  You must hate to look in a mirror.  I feel sorry for you, because you're so ugly.  If I were that ugly, my own face would scare me so bad that I'd turn into a Democrat/Republican (the opposite of that person's political tendencies)."  I laughed.
   My insults?
1.  You are slimier than a syphilitic, smegma smeared lick-spittle.
2.  You are a swine swyving, pustule pocked, wart-producing toad.
3.  You're a crop-eared, noseless, branded jackanapes dressed up in  (whatever they are wearing).
4.   A tadpole has more brain than you do.
5.  Your IQ is so low that it's in the negative numbers.