Wednesday, April 6, 2016

New Doormat Equals Laughter

Since the fall, the doormat outside the apartment has been a green one with a pair of ice skates, mittens and a scarf printed on it.  Today, I purchased a new one that I couldn't resist.  It was a lighter weight than the previous one, and better for the spring and summer.  It says "A shelter kitty rescued this family" on it, and there is a fish printed at the top, and a kitty with a red heart on it's throat at the bottom corner.  It also helped that it was a Sale item….   When I got it home, I turned it over to see if there was a tag that I should remove before using the doormat.   I was amazed at the size of the sticker on the back of the mat.  I started to read it, and began to chuckle. I outright guffawed a couple of times before I finished reading it.   The following is the text.

 "This perfectly fine, if not certainly adequate doormat is MADE IN THE USA from 100% Olefin Indoor/Outdoor carpet and printed with color-fast inks.  Wash with hose and brush.  Dry flat.  Do not machine wash.

Important things you should know about your new doormat
Warning:  Do not use mat as a projectile.  Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause injury.  When using mat, follow directions:  Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.   This mat is not designed to sustain gross weight exceeding 12,000 lbs.  If mat begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head.  Caution:  If coffee spills on mat, assume that it is very hot.   This mat is not intended to be used as a placemat.  Small food particles trapped in fibers may attract rodents and other vermin.   Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery.  When not in use, mat should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with CFED (Compulsive Fiber Eating Disorder).    Do not taunt mat.  Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat, Simply Precious Home Decor, and its parent company, High Cotton, Inc., of any and all Liability.

9 SW Pack Square
Suite 300
Asheville, NC 28801

Made in the U.S.A."

I hope you laughed, too.

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